Day 1- Oh, dear God, what have I done?

I CAN’T DO IT!!!!

I was excited about beginning the program, this morning. I set my alarm to go off an hour earlier, so I could do the work out. I woke up before my alarm. I was pumped and ready to do. Today is begins Phase 1. Today’s workout is Core Synergistic. Tony Horton, the guy on the DVDs…he’s a Sadist. He’s trying to kill me.

I really tried to do this, but I have a few things working against me.
1- Space. Since I downloaded the videos off of the Internet because I cannot afford to buy the real thing, I have to watch them on my computer. My computer is in the small spare bedroom / office / junk room of my house. Luckily, I do not a have a bed in there. That is lucky because it does give me little room to work out, but more so because if a bed had been in there, I would have stopped the video after 10 minutes and crawled into it and gone back to sleep for another hour.
2- Low ceilings. This is complicated further by the presence of a ceiling fan in that room. I cannot do the full stretches and jumps in a room with an 8 foot ceiling and a fan that hangs down a foot from it.
3-Ludwig. Ludwig is my dog…a hyper-active black lab/border collie mix that thinks every time I bend over it must be to pet him. He also thinks that every time I get on the floor, it must be to play with him.
4- I’m a wuss. This point needs no further explanation.

At best, I have a clear floor space of about 4 foot by 5 foot to work in. That does not stay clear for long, as the dog runs into “the kill zone’. I’m trying to lift my arms and stretch without loosing a hand to the ceiling fan. I’m trying to stretch to the floor. I knew I could not touch the floor, anyway. I really can’t do it when a 75 lbs dog has worked himself between my feet and licks my face every time I bend down. When I would drop to the floor for push ups (oh, dear GOD, the push ups), Ludwig would also drop to the floor and stick his face into my face or spin around in circles and whack me in the head with his tail. I started wondering what kind of work out program he was doing.

If I continue with this program, I could be horrible deformed and disfigured from the loss of appendages due to a ceiling fan and by only being able to use one arm to do the routines, while the other arms is trying to push away a big frikkin’ dog.

I am ashamed to say that I did not make it completely through the first video. I lasted about 40 minutes. I am still proud of myself, though. I am actually surprised that I stuck with it for more than 4.

The workout is over and I actually feel pretty good. I am tired and a bit sore, but I am feeling good and I don’t quite understand it, but I like it. Time to eat!

For the first 28 days, I am restricted to a certain diet. I think this is accurate. I am not really sure. This is what I was able to find on the Internet, but I never really saw the actual nutrition program from the makers of P90X. So, this is what I think I am supposed to be eating, daily.
• 5 protein servings
• 2 dairy servings
• 1 fruit serving
• 2 veggie servings
• 1 fat serving
• 1 carb serving
• 1 condiment serving
• 1 snack serving
• 1 P90X recovery drink
• 1 P90X protein bar

Since I could not afford the actual P90X program, I can’t buy the actual recovery drinks and protein bars, either. I found some at Kroger that may or may not be close enough. They were cheaper and I’m sure that they would be better than nothing.

It’s time for breakfast. I made myself 2 poached egg whites and 1 turkey sausage patty. I packed my lunch and took a veggie steamer to work with me. I took a squash and a zucchini to steam (2 Veggie servings), a can of tuna (Protein), a cup of cottage cheese (Dairy), 8oz of skim milk (Dairy) and a protein bar. I decided to do the accelerated diet. You would not find that in the program. That is my own little twist. I decided that if I remove the carb and fat portions, all together…it would all work that much faster. That was a good idea for about two hours.

10am is snack time. It’s time to rock out the cottage cheese. I love cheese. I love Swiss cheese. I love cheddar cheese. I love Colby, Monterrey Jack, Provolone and Mozzarella. Yes, I love cheese. Cottage cheese is not cheese. I don’t know what it is, but it is not cheese. It is, quite possibly, the most disgusting thing I have ever put in my mouth…and I ate a bug for a dollar when I was in the 3rd grade.

I was so hungry, though. I ate it. I ate it all (1 cup). I still say it was not cheese, though.

As I was driving home, I thought about how my steering wheel would taste if it were sprinkled with salt. I realized two things. First of all, egg whites make me gassy. Secondly, I am not a fitness expert and if my understanding of a make-shift, bootleg copy of a nutrition guide says I need a carb and fat and a condiment, by God, I want carb, my fat and my condiment.

I stopped at a grocery store and bought a loaf of whole grain bread. As I continued to make my way home, I began trying to make a deal with God, the devil, Buddha or anyone else that was listening that a carb serving consisted of 2 slices of bread and not just 1 slice. Luckily, it did. I just don’t know if I am supposed to stop swearing, loose my soul or shave my head, now.

Dinner was made up of a tuna sandwich consisting of 1 can of tuna (Protein) between 2slices of whole grain bread (Carb) with a tablespoon of Miracle Whip (Fat) and a teaspoon of mustard (condiment). Normally, I would eat a sandwich over the sink and let the crumbs drop or over a paper towel and just wad it all up and throw it in the trash when finished, or let Ludwig have anything that was dropped on the floor. Not tonight. I ate it over a plate and literally licked the plate clean of all crumbs and morsels that had fallen from the grasp of the bread. I felt like a shammed junkie who’s mother busts him shooting up. The dog just lowered his big fuzzy head and exhaled deeply.

Thus concludes day 1.